P&P BBC 1995 version Subtext
by Lilouth33
Summary: Just a little piece of fun about the 1995 version of P&P.
1. Chapter 1

_This is just a little piece of fun I wanted to share with you all.__ My apologies for highly un-Jane Austen dialogue. Enjoy!_

**Episode 1**

**Scene 1 :**

Bingley : What a beautiful place !

Darcy: If you don't mind living with savages.

Elizabeth: Mmm! Interesting point of view. Let's show to the audience that I'm really free.

**Scene 2:**

Mr Bennet and Lizzy: Our family is stupid but they are fun anyway.

Jane: I want to marry for love.

Elizabeth: So do I.

**Scene 3:**

Bingley: I love the country. I love country dances and I loooove Bennet eldest girl.

Darcy and Bingley's sisters: Heaven save us from country savages.

Bingley: Come on Darcy. Dance.

Darcy: No. Go away. I don't want your leftovers.

Elizabeth: Oh I hate him. I will make fun of him to make me feel better.

Darcy: She is laughing at ME?!

Mrs Bennet: _(raves about everything concerning Bingley)_

Mr Bennet: Spare me!

Mrs Bennet: _(raves about Darcy)_

Elizabeth: I don't care for him. Have I said that before?

Miss Bingley: Let's find out if I have a rival.

Bingley: Jane is an angel.

**Scene 4:**

Darcy: The wall is such a good place.

Sir William _(to Bingley's sisters)_: Now how about a visit to St James with me?

Bingley's sisters: Help!

Miss Bingley: My poor Darcy. Standing there all alone.

Darcy: Hmmm. Nice eyes!

Elizabeth: Why does he stare at me like that?

Lydia: Let's dance and make a lot of noise.

Sir William: What about dancing with Miss Elizabeth?

Darcy: Why not?

Elizabeth: Certainly not.

Darcy: Really nice eyes!

Miss Bingley: Whose eyes are you talking? _(Mine, of course!)_

Darcy: Not yours.

**Scene 5:**

Mrs Bennet: We must secure Bingley with all haste. I have an idea. Let's get you sick. Yes, brilliant!

Jane: Achoo

Bingley's sisters: That is what we thought. Baaad family.

Elizabeth: I'm going to show how free I am again.

Darcy: She is even better in such disarray.

Bingley: Whatever will make Jane happy, will make me happy. Stay here with us.

Darcy and Bingley's sisters: Oh great.

Miss Bingley: Let's see if I can redirect his attention.

Darcy: Think again.

**Scene 6:**

Elizabeth: Ooops! Wrong room.

Darcy: I don't know what to say _(bows)_

Elizabeth: Let's leave this room quick.

Darcy: What have I done to her to deserve that?

Miss Bingley: Georgiana is such a great girl.

Bingley: All young ladies are so accomplished these days.

Darcy: I have another opinion to make the author and screenwriter write a few more lines.

Miss Bingley: I have all the qualities of an accomplished lady.

Elizabeth: And I take pleasure in contradicting Darcy.

Darcy: This woman is driving me crazy!

**Scene 7:**

Mrs Bennet: Right. Plan of this day: Let Jane stay here as long as possible, praise Mr Bingley once again, insult Mr Darcy.

Elizabeth: I'm so ashamed.

Bingley's sisters: Suffer Miss Bennet, suffer.

Darcy: Let's have a bath to have all the viewers drool over me.

Elizabeth: Once again I'm so free.

Miss Bingley: Maybe I can distract him from his reading.

Darcy: You wish!

Miss Bingley: Let's resort to plan B.

_Darcy and Elizabeth debate again._

Darcy: I am mad about this woman. I must not. I must not.

Darcy: I am glad she departs at last. Am I really?

Elizabeth _(about Jane and Bingley)_: Look at these two love birds. It is so cute.

Elizabeth: I am so glad to go home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Episode 2:**

**Scene 1:**

Mr Collins: Blah. Blah. Lady Catherine is great.

Mr Bennet and Lizzy: Mr Collins is stupid but he is fun anyway.

Mr Collins: I have decided on Jane.

Mrs Bennet: Well you can't.

Mr Collins: Well it will be Elizabeth then.

**Scene 2:**

Elizabeth: Hmm. Mr Wickham seems a fine young man.

Darcy: Good god, Wickham!

Wickham: Good god, Darcy!

Elizabeth: What is the meaning of this?

Wickham: Darcy is so bad. It is all his fault.

Elizabeth: Good. I have another reason to hate him.

Jane: Are you so sure about this?

Elizabeth: You are so naïve. Of course I am.

Mr Collins: Let's dance together at the coming ball.

Elizabeth: Ewwww!

**Scene 3:**

Darcy:Good Lord have mercy. She is is so hard to resist her. Restraint, Darcy, restraint!

Elizabeth: Wonderful evening! Wickham is not here, Collins has two left feet and I have to dance with Mr Stuck-up Snob.

_Another debate_

Miss Bingley: Wickham is bad, ok?

Elizabeth: Yea, right. What reason could I have to believe you?

Mary: I have a lovely voice. Let me demonstrate that to you.

Mrs Bennet: Soon I will have the confort to have a rich son in law.

Darcy: Count on it.

Mrs Bennet: And Lizzy will be s… er married to Mr Collins.

Darcy: Ewww

Collins: Blah, blah. As nephew of my deity lady Catherine…blah, blah

Darcy: Good to know. With my height, I can make him stop talking.

Lydia: I have so much fun.

Jane and Elizabeth: Can the ground open up to swallow us.

**Scene 4:**

Mr Collins: Ok you're poor, you're too impertinent sometimes but I am sure we will be the couple of the year. Shall we set a date?

Elizabeth: Certainly not.

Mr Collins: I just love women who play hard to get.

Elizabeth: What are you dumb or something? I. Don't. Want. You. No. Niet. Nada

Mrs Bennet: And I just thought we could have a good bargain with the two. Selfish girl!

Mr Bennet: No way I will let my Lizzy marry that fool.

Charlotte: Ok. I take the fool… I mean Mr Collins.


	3. Chapter 3

**Episode 3**

**Scene**** 1:**

Kitty and Lydia: Charlotte is going to marry Mr Collins!

Elizabeth: WHAT?!

Elizabeth: Marry that oaf? What are you thinking of?

Charlotte: Well I need money and my own house.

Elizabeth _(to Jane)_: I still don't agree with Charlotte's decision.

Jane: Well he sure is stupid but if he gives her what she needs then…

Caroline's letter: Thank god we are leaving that dreadful place. Charles will forgive you soon. He has Miss Darcy after all.

Elizabeth: That's all lies. He will come back, you'll see.

Jane: I'm so miserable. But I put a brave face for all.

Elizabeth and Mr Bennet: Now that the Gardiners have arrived, we can have more rational and intelligent conversation in the house.

Lydia: Never mind that. Where's my presents?

**Scene 2:**

Jane: I feel so sad.

Mrs Bennet: I refuse to talk to Lizzy.

Mr Wickham: Let's say my lies to the Gardiners too.

Lydia: How could Wickham choose Mary King over ME?!

Jane's letter: Well you were right about everything. Miss Bingley doesn't like me and her brother has forgotten me.

Mr Wickham: Let's say my story to the Bennet family.

Mr Bennet: What an interesting way to pass the time over tea.

Elizabeth: Never mind that. I KNOW Darcy is the bad guy.

**Scene 3: **

Mr Collins: See how my house is beautiful. All because of Lady Catherine.

Charlotte: I do not see him much. It's better that way.

Elizabeth: What a gripping life Charlotte lives.

Lady Catherine: Blah, blah. See how great I am. Now I am going to quiz Miss Bennet.

Elizabeth: I am not afraid of you.

Lady Catherine: What an impertinent girl!

**Scene 4:**

Mr Collins: Mr Darcy and his cousin from a important family had arrived.

Elizabeth: Oh great! Mr Stuck-up Snob is here. I hope his cousin is not like him.

Colonel Fitzwilliam: What a lovely girl!

Elizabeth: At last an agreeable man.

Darcy: Now what do I do? What should I say? She has not changed. Ah now I know.

Elizabeth: Let's see if you can betray some feeling of guilt.

Darcy: How could she know about that? Composure, Darcy, composure. The window seems such a safe place.

Lady Catherine: Listen to my great advice and praising of Anne.

Elizabeth: All your staring does not frighten me.

Elizabeth: And what about Bingley?

Darcy: I am more interested in testing you about your adaptation to Pemberley.

**Scene 6:**

Colonel Fitzwilliam: Darcy is a great friend. See what he had done for Bingley.

Elizabeth: I knew it! Arrogant, interfering s…..

Darcy: Your family is trailer trash., you have nothing to recommend yourself to me. Having said that, I really love you and want you for my slave…er…my wife.

Elizabeth: Go hang yourself. Now it is my turn to slight you.

Darcy: Women! They are from another planet!


	4. Chapter 4

**EPISODE 4**

**Scene 1:**

Darcy: Let the audience see how distraught am I by being only in my white shirt.

Darcy's letter: I did for the best for my friend. Wickham has a thing for underage girls...abduction thwarted. He's really dangerous, OK?

Elizabeth: I was a really stupid judge of character.

Elizabeth: Should we (a) conceal our new knowledge of Wickham (b) tell all the world what a s….. Wickham is?

Jane: I am all for the (a) solution.

Elizabeth: You are the best sister.

**Scene 2:**

Elizabeth: Do not let Lydia shame us all in Brighton.

Mr Bennet: But the house will be so much happier without her.

Elizabeth: I'm really serious this time.

Mr Bennet: Well I say let her go and we will see.

**Scene 3:**

The Gardiners: We are going to Derbyshire because the author said so and the story will not be interesting without it.

Elizabeth: Maybe he will not be here.

Darcy: Once again let viewers drool over me in my fencing scene.

Mrs Gardiner: Now, what about Pemberley?

Elizabeth: Let's see the house of Mr Former Stuck-up Snob Now Misjudged Reserved man.

Elizabeth: WOW!!! That's his house?!

Mrs Reynolds: My sole function in the novel is to make Darcy look sensitive and respectable.

**Scene 4:**

Darcy: Another bath scene. I want all viewers to not forget how handsome and sensual I am.

Elizabeth: Good god, he is here!

Darcy: Good god, she is here!

Elizabeth: What am I doing here? Hmmmm, nice shirt! What am I thinking?

Darcy: She is so beautiful. I am rambling in an attempt to regain my composure. I don't know what I am saying.

Elizabeth: His embarrassment is so cute.

Darcy: I must go. I haven't much time to dress before the next scene.

Elizabeth: We must leave right now.

Darcy: Where is she? She must not leave! Ah there she is!

Elizabeth: I really must leave.

Darcy: No you don't. I must make myself like me in three minutes.

Elizabeth: This is my uncle and uncle who lives in that crappy neighbourhood that you hate. Let's see how you react.

Darcy: I hope I passed the test. The Gardiners are good people.

Elizabeth: I don't understand his change at all. Is it… for me?

Mrs Gardiner: Of course. It is so clear that he's a goner.

Darcy: And can I introduce my sister? _(in the hope she will become yours in the future)_

Elizabeth: Why not?

Darcy: Great!

Elizabeth: We have to go.

Darcy: I must play the perfect gentleman in handing her into the carriage but in fact I just want to hold her in my arms and never let her go.

Elizabeth _(turning back)_: He is not such an awful man after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**EPISODE 5**

**Scene 1:**

Maid: Mr Darcy is here.

Elizabeth: He came that soon..? Now that I mind really.

Darcy: This is my sister. Now I am going to let the two of you talk and fetch Bingley.

Georgiana: My brother is great and he told me he really likes you.

Elizabeth _(blushing)_: Really?

Bingley: I miss Jane.

Elizabeth: Great!

Georgiana: My brother and I want to see more of you. Will you come tomorrow?

Elizabeth: Of course!

**Scene 2:**

Darcy: Oh how I love her!

Caroline: Now what about Wickham?

Elizabeth: Never mind him. Let's protect Georgiana.

Darcy: She is smiling at me?! Lizzy, I adore you.

Elizabeth: How handsome he is! I love his smile! Am I falling in love?

Darcy: God, I hope so!

Caroline: How can you prefer Elizabeth Bennet when you can have me instead?

Darcy: Elizabeth will always be the most beautiful. Take that!

Caroline: Why me?

Darcy _(daydreams on Elizabeth)_: I will go to see her tomorrow!

**Scene 3:**

Darcy _(to his valet)_: Green looks better. Hurry! Hurry!

Darcy _(to his horse)_: Faster! Faster!

Jane's letters: Lydia has run off with Wickham and they are not married!

Elizabeth _(starting to cry)_: Oh no! Stupid Lydia! My uncle, I must find him!

Darcy: Good god! What happened? Can I do something?

Elizabeth _(sobbing violently)_: I just had horrible news.

Darcy: Don't cry my love! If only I could hold you in my arms to console you!

_(Elizabeth tells him the news)_

Darcy: I am going to kill Wickham! Just at the moment when I thought I was finally getting somewhere! I must go and find him!

Elizabeth: Don't go! I need you!

Darcy: Everything will be fine. _(leaves)_

Elizabeth: Now it is all over thanks to Lydia!

**Scene 4:**

Caroline: I hope you don't miss Eliza. (_Caroline doesn't know when to stop.)_

Darcy: Shut up!

Mrs Bennet: It is everyone's fault except mine and Lydia's.

Mary: _(says something stupid with the help of Fordyce)_

Elizabeth: Oh shut up!

Jane: It is all my fault.

Elizabeth: No it is not. Lydia spoiled everything.

Elizabeth _(looking into the mirror)_: I miss him

_Later_

Jane: What do you mean by that thing you said about Lydia?

Elizabeth: We will never see Mr Darcy and Mr Bingley.

Jane: But you don't like him.

Elizabeth _(aloud)_: No I don't but… _(In thought)_ I miss him so.

**Scene 5:**

Darcy: I miss her so. Now how will I proceed for searching the cur?... Ah I know!

Mrs Younge: Good god Darcy! _(tries to close the door)_

Darcy: Oh no you don't. _(forcing open the door)_

Lydia: La, la, la. I'm so bored. I want to go out.

Wickham: What have I done?

Lydia: And to think I made something before any of my sisters.

Wickham: Now how can I get rid of her soon?

Mr Collins: Your sister will be better six feet under.

Elizabeth: Shut up and go away!

**Scene 6:**

Mr Bennet: I don't want to talk to anyone.

Lydia: What is he doing here?

Wickham: Who?!

Lydia: Mr Darcy _(and don't you shout at me!)_

Mr Bennet: You were right Lizzy. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault.

Jane: I have to take Mama her tea.

Mr Bennet: Maybe I should do the same until Kitty follows in Lydia's footsteps.

Kitty: I will NOT! But I would like to go to Brighton.

Mr Bennet: You will never set foot outside this house if I have anything to say on the matter.

_(Kitty begins sobbing)_

_(Mr Bennet says something witty yet cruel to console her)_

Elizabeth: I wish I have never told everything to Mr Darcy.

Jane: But he will not tell anything.

Elizabeth: I know he will not. But he must hate me now.

Viewers: HE DOESN'T.


	6. Chapter 6

**Episode 6**

**Scene 1:**

Mr Gardiner's letter: Wickham and Lydia found. Will marry soon in London. Wickham only wants a small sum.

Jane _(in typical Jane style)_: He must really love Lydia.

Mr Bennet _(ironically)_: Yea right!

Mr Bennet: I wonder how much Mr Gardiner gave him and how I am going to repay it.

Mrs Bennet: A daughter married! Yay! Four more to go!

Jane and Elizabeth _(scandalised)_: Mother!

Mr Bennet: At least someone is happy.

Lydia: Lydia Wickham! At last!

The Gardiners and Darcy: Poor Lydia! She will never be happy with him.

**Scene 2:**

Lydia: La, la , la. I am the most important person and can lord it over my ignorant sisters.

Mr Bennet, Elizabeth, and Mary: Insufferable pair! They deserve each other!

Lydia: By the way, do you know that Mr Darcy was at my wedding?

Elizabeth: WHAT? WHY?

Mrs Gardiner's letter: Mr Darcy did it all.

Elizabeth: I can't believe it! Why did he do that? Is it… for me?

Wickham: May I walk with you, sister?

Elizabeth: We have nothing to say and I know all about you.

Wickham: Well… S…. I can't charm her anymore.

**Scene 3:**

Mrs Phillips: Mr Bingley returns.

Jane: I am completely over him.

Elizabeth: Sure!

Kitty: Look, Mr Bingley is coming.

Jane: Is he really?

Elizabeth: That's great Jane.

Kitty: Mr Darcy is coming also.

Elizabeth: REALLY?! I missed him so!

Mrs Bennet: Oh no! Not that awful man!

Elizabeth: He is not awful!

_(Bingley and Darcy enter)_

Bingley: I…

Mrs Bennet _(cuts him with her chatter)_

Elizabeth: Look at him. How handsome he is. I am so ashamed of my mother's behaviour!

Mr Dacy: Look at her. She is even more beautiful than I saw her last.

Mrs Bennet: Oh… and Mr Darcy… You are…welcome… GO AWAY!

Elizabeth: My poor Darcy, how he must suffer. I wish my mother would just shut up.

_(Bingley and Darcy go away)_

Jane: I am completely indifferent.

Elizabeth: Come Jane. Don't lie to me. I know you don't and he doesn't.

Bingley: How could you do that to me?!

Darcy: I know, I did a horrible thing. Can you forgive me?

Bingley: Of course. For what again?

**Scene 4:**

Mrs Bennet: Jaaaaaaannnnne! We must get you dressed! He's here!

_(S__mall talk with Bingley. Mrs Bennet starts winking her eye.)_

Elizabeth: Try to be more obvious, mama.

Mrs Bennet: Now you will not leave here without proposing. Everybody's upstairs.

Mrs Hill: Miss Elizabeth. Your mother wants you.

Elizabeth _(glancing at Jane)_: I am so sorry.

_Later_

Elizabeth: Can I come down now?

Mrs Bennet: Not yet!

Jane: I am so happy.

Elizabeth: Congratulations! Darcy, where are you? Will you ever come back to me?

**Scene 5:**

Mrs Hill: Lady Catherine!

Elizabeth: What is this witch doing there? Look at her! What does she think she is?!

Lady Catherine: I want to talk to you now.

Lady Catherine: Mr Darcy is already engaged to my daughter.

Elizabeth: Sure!

Lady Catherine: Will you promise never accept him?

Elizabeth: NO! Mind your own business, you witch!

Lady Catherine: Awful girl! I go now!

Mr Bennet _(with Mr Collin's letter)_: Mr Darcy in love with you! That's ridiculous!

Elizabeth _(unconcingly)_: Ha, ha.

**Scene 6:**

Elizabeth: He has come back.

Darcy: Has her feelings changed?

_Later_

Elizabeth: Thank you for Lydia, by the way.

Darcy: How can she know about that? I did for you alone.

Elizabeth: He did!? Great!

Darcy: Look. I still love you but if you still hate me, say so. _(but please spare me this time)_.

Elizabeth: I love you too.

Darcy: Hey, wait a second, did she just say YES?

Elizabeth: Yes! I said yes, you georgeous, loveable idiot!

Darcy: Good god! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! She said yes. Oh my lord! I can't believe it! I don't know what to do! Or to say! Oh good grief, I can't believe it... what do I do now? Think, man, think, you're supposed to say something… Ah now I know…

_Another conversation__ about Lady Catherine and the past_

Darcy: It is all because of you that I changed… dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.

Elizabeth _(and viewers)_: Awwww!!!!

**Scene 7: **

Jane: Mr Darcy! I can't believe it! I thought you hated him!

Elizabeth: I don't anymore.

Jane: Since when?

Elizabeth: Since I saw his huge and handsome house.

_Jane and Elizabeth laugh_

Mr Bennet: Accept Mr Darcy!? Are you crazy?

Elizabeth: No I'm not! I love him so!

Mr Bennet: In that case, you have my blessing. I will miss you so, my Lizzy!

**Scene 8:**

Clergyman _(going about the importance of marriage)_

Miss Bingley: I hate her! I hate her!

Georgiana: Elizabeth is great! I am so glad I have her for a sister.

Colonel Fitzwilliam: Darcy, you lucky devil!

Mr Collins: How can she marry him when she could have had ME? Mr Darcy should have married Lady Anne.

Mrs Collins: Smile husband! Well done Elizabeth!

Lady Catherine: Awful day!

Lady Anne: Achoo!

Mr Bennet: I will miss Jane and Lizzy so.

Mrs Bennet: My girls have done so well!

Kitty: Weddings are so romantic!

Mary: I have not finished my book.

_Outside the church_

Jane and Bingley: Good bye everyone!

Elizabeth and Darcy: Alone at last!

Mrs Bennet: We have been so blessed.

Mr Bennet: Yes. I am glad to see them so happy!

Elizabeth: KISS ME!!

Darcy: With pleasure! _(Kisses her)_

Viewers: Awww! It is already finished?!


End file.
